Posted under top fivers

It’s a well known fact that during the course of a lifetime the average human spends about 42 years in the car. 99% of that time consists of driving in heavy traffic, which means there are other vehicles all around you. Most of these vehicles are decent. There are some cars on the road, however, that shouldn’t be there and that I’m sick of seeing.

This is the list of top 5 most annoying cars on the road. If you bought one of these cars thinking your friends would be jealous, you were duped my friend.

Please note that this solely refers to people who bought these cars brand new, since that’s the only time the playing field is level enough for me to cast judgment. Buying one of these pieces of $hit used is an entirely different story.

5. Neons

Why They’re Annoying
Here’s what a Neon is: a bottom-of-the-line, cheaply-made domestic car for people who can’t afford anything else and get seduced into buying one from the sharks at one of the 10 billion Dodge dealerships at every major intersection in the country. It’s a pile of the junkiest car parts on Earth welded together and wrapped in a shiny coat of paint.

Who Drives Them
College girls (the ones who don’t own Cavaliers) and inner-city white boys who wear wife-beaters and lean their seats back as far as possible.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Either a Hawaiian lei or a white visor. If you’re really lucky you’ll see both of these items and a man driving the car. I’ve seen this only twice in my entire life.

Playing On The Radio
Chris Brown, Ludacris, or Nelly Furtado (dependent upon sex of the driver)

Level Of Annoying
Pretty annoying, but the fact that there are no Neon drivers over the age of 21 means people grow out of this phase pretty quickly. Usually as soon as they move out of their parents’ house.

What You Should’ve Bought
If you’re spending $14k and you want something young and hip, get something that’s going to last a little bit longer and not tempt you to blast hip hop with all four windows down until your speakers are distorted. I’m thinking something along the lines of a Ford Focus or a Saturn Astra. I wouldn’t hate you if you thought about a Chevy Cobalt even.

4. Sebring Convertibles

Why They’re Annoying
A Sebring convertible tells me you’re in middle management and you think you deserve a luxury car. Well I’ve got news for you, you don’t deserve a luxury car, and this is not one. Crystler excels at making you think you’re buying a luxury car by tacking on a bunch of shiny chrome and filling the interior with fake wood-grain trim. Then when you ask them why it doesn’t cost the same as a luxury car they respond “Are you kidding me!? Look at all that shiny chrome and wood grain. It might as well be a Lexus!”

Who Drives Them
The 25 year old “big shot” with Bluetooth and sunglasses who goes on coffee runs at the law firm he works for. Also, the middle-manager with the corner office (the only corner office without a window). Occasionally you will see an English professor driving a Sebring convertible, but only if he can’t afford a Volkswagon.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
The Sebring convertible owner will sometimes use the rear view mirror as a means to organize the power cords to his XM Radio, GPS navigation, and radar detector.

Playing On The Radio
REO Speedwagon and sports radio.

Level Of Annoying
Very annoying. I don’t usually care to see the faces of the other people on the road. In a Sebring convertible I can not only see your face, but I can see your overly-gelled hair and your $10 tie flapping so furiously in the wind that there’s no possible way you are even remotely comfortable.

What You Should’ve Bought
You don’t need a convertible. Use the extra five thousand dollars you spent on that feature and get a Toyota Camry. It will last twice as long and not say “Hi, I’m a douchebag.” Or use that money to pay off your huge school loans instead of buying a car to try to impress your coworkers.

3. Rams

Why They’re Annoying
We’ve already covered why Dodges suck. It’s all show and no substance with any Dodge car. Dodge Rams are usually very very big, which means you get all that much more showy uselessness wrapped around an even bigger pile of scrap metal that is solely designed to last 50k miles and then break in half as soon as the warranty runs out.

Who Drives Them
Rednecks. Plain and simple.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
There is an assortment of possibilities here. Anything from dog tags to pine tree air fresheners to the little chrome naked lady silhouettes.

Playing On The Radio
Nickleback, Metallica (nothing pre-Load), and country music.

Level Of Annoying
Super annoying. 80% of the time I pass a Ram, the guy driving it looks at me like he wants to fight me. 100% of the time I pass a Ram with my wife in the car with me, the guy driving it looks at her like he wants to “fight” her. I find this unacceptable, but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it because not only could his behemoth truck crush my car under its monstrous tires, the driver could probably crush my body under his monstrous gut.

What You Should’ve Bought
This is a very obvious one. Since you are probably against those damn Jap import brands, that leaves you with two options: an F-150 or a Chevy Silverado. Trust me, they’re way better. Just trust me.

2. Beetles

Why They’re Annoying
Everyone driving a beetle is so happy with life for some reason. Thus, they feel the need to do a few things that really annoy me, such as drive leisurely right in front of me and plaster judgmental stickers all over their back bumpers. Also, Beetles are probably the 3rd ugliest car I can think of. And what’s with all the pastel colors? There are certain color schemes you use for certain things. Pastels are not to be used on the exterior of your car, just like pastels are not to be used on football uniforms. Even girl football uniforms. If there even is such a thing *shudder*.

Who Drives Them
White people, rich college girls, and middle-aged tree-hugging men. Not that Beetles are in any way good for the environment. It must be the connection between Volkswagon Beetles and The Beatles, which leads to Apple Records and Apple Computers, which leads to queer. Making up fake connections like that is what I do best.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
If there aren’t flowers in the flower holder, there is some sort of artsy trinket that was picked up at an art fair - possibly a necklace or some sort of tribal garb.

Playing On The Radio
More often than not, The Beatles. It’s just one big cliche on wheels that can’t be stopped.

Level Of Annoying
Extremely annoying. The absolute worst is seeing a Beetle with one of those equal-sign bumper stickers on the back. Which is 90% of Beetles.

What You Should’ve Bought
So, you want to be young and hip and urban and spend around $20k? You failed, because you should’ve bought a Scion tc. Way more features, way less annoying, and it’s a Toyota, dummy.

1. PT Cruisers

Why They’re Annoying
PT Cruisers are gimmicks meant to trick dumb people into buying a car they think is one-of-a-kind. But since there are so many dumb people in the world, PT Cruisers are everywhere, so they have completely lost their uniqueness. And I swear they’re all purple. Let’s count lies Chrysler is trying to feed us with this car. Well, it looks big because of its shape, but actually it’s smaller than most cars. It looks fast because of it’s sporty design, but it only has 150 horsepower. It looks gangster because it harkens back to the designs of the cars Al Capone and company used to drive around in and shoot at people from, but if that’s the case why is every single PT Cruiser driver fat, old, and poor?

Who Drives Them
I’ll tell you exactly who drives PT Cruisers: portly women in their 40s who smoke cheap cigarettes and go to casinos and play the slots at least 5 times a week. If I haven’t painted a precise enough picture for you, there’s nothing more I can do.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Crosses, and those nasty pink stretchy cloth hair ties.

Playing On The Radio
Light rock and country.

Level Of Annoying
Absolutely annoying. When I try to put myself in the shoes of other countries and how they view Americans, I think of a fat, lazy, dirty, wrinkly woman driving her PT Cruiser across the street from her trailer park to the McDonald’s drive-thru ready to use a coupon, not to receive a discount on the food she was going to buy, but to buy more food than she should. Call me cynical.

What You Should’ve Bought
At this point I would list possible alternate cars you would have been better off spending your money on, but every time I think of a car, I picture you in it and it ruins that entire make and model.

Posted under gimcrackery, top fivers

I’m always thinking about the super powers I wish I had. Would it be better to fly or be invisible? Duh, fly. If you said invisible you’re one of three things: a) a thief, b) a cheater, or c) a depressed recluse. Think about it, if you could fly you would never have to pay for gas, a car, or insurance again. Plus you’d save tons of time. You would just need a helmet for the bugs. And probably a blanket for the cold air higher in the atmosphere. And you wouldn’t be able to listen to music like you would in a car because it would be so loud all the time with the wind blowing in your ears. And how tiring would it be? It’s hard enough to run for a sustained period of time. OK, so there are a few small holes in my logic.

So you have your super powers that we all know are just a fantasy and no one really has. What I’m concerned with are the less-than-super powers. These are powers that a lot of people do have. Powers that would make everyday life so much easier if only I was blessed with them.

I’m not complaining about my lot in life by any means. I know with every helpful power comes an annoying trait, it’s just how life balances out. All I’m doing here is pointing out the powers that I wish I had, and if you, one of my myriad of readers, possess one of these powers, consider yourself lucky. And disliked by me.

Here are 5 everyday powers I wish I had.

5. The power to remember someone’s name

No matter how intensely I invoke every last fiber of power my memory has, I simply can’t remember someone’s name after I meet them. I channel all of my energy and let everything else in the world slip away except the 5 to 10 letters that make up the name of the person I am introducing myself to. But as soon as I make eye contact with this new person I immediately become an awkward bumbling mess of pleasantries and fake smiles, and it is at that point that I realize they have already said their name and I have lost my chance.

It almost seems like sometimes the person slips their name in there at the least likely place so cunningly that I don’t even have a chance to begin with. The worst part about the whole thing is the person always remembers my name.

This is specifically annoying when you start a new job and you have to remember 100 brand new names but everyone else only has to remember your name. Well I am so terrible at name remembering that I am the only guy in the office that doesn’t remember the new employee’s name. That’s a shame.

The Workaround

To supplement myself enough to still function in the world I have compiled an arsenal of socially acceptable alternate names that I am free to use on anyone I desire. Hey bro, what’s up? Dude, look who it is! Let’s bounce, playa. Yo bromide mcdizzle, what’s crackalackin? Ay bay bay!

Then they become distracted by my weirdness and forget I never said their name. Works like a charm!

4. The power to stop eating before I’m full

This is an important power to have for a number of reasons. First of all, it helps you to not get real fat. Actually that might be the only reason. But that’s enough to make me want it.

The Workaround

Drink Diet Coke instead of regular, and stop putting cream and sugar in your coffee. I’m serious, sometimes that’s all it takes. I lost 40 pounds doing precisely that. Oh yeah and I started running 12 miles a week. Is it worth all that effort to have the pleasure of eating until I can no longer move? Umm, absolutely.

3. The power to not get excited by celebrity gossip

Yeah, you heard me. I get excited by celebrity gossip. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s more of an involuntary reaction like when the doctor hits your knee with a mallet. So you see, it’s not my fault because I have no control over it, and therefore it is not a power that I can willingly learn. It has to be given to you at birth.

Celebrities are just people but dumber and with more money. And yet I get upset when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer break up. How could this be? Who broke up with who? Why did it happen? Did someone cheat? Gosling and McAdams are back together!?! Shut up I knew it!

This is unacceptable both as a man and, heck, a decent human. I don’t want to say that I support this industry, because I absolutely despise it. I’d rather be dragged through black plague sewage with my mouth and eyes open than be thought of as someone who supports Hollywood gossip. But I will admit that I have been known to linger just a bit longer on E! News while I’m flipping channels than is to be expected.

The Workaround

I seriously can’t think of a workaround for this. In exchange for not offering a workaround I’ll let you make fun of me to my face. But then you have to pass my manliness test or else I get to kick you in the privates.

2. The power to want to read a book

I know a lot of people with this power. I know people that can put away a book in a day. A thick book. With no pictures. I just can’t fathom what it must be like to possess such an extraordinary power. If I read for more than 30 minutes at a time I start to get all antsy and distracted by anything shiny.

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to get into a book that’s no good and realize I wasted two months of my life getting halfway through it. Do I waste another two months finishing it just so I can tell people I read it, or do I get out while I still can?

Oh actually I just realized what the problem is. I am a slow reader.

The Workaround

This is one of those powers that you can easily work around. “Have you read The Da Vinci Code?” “Sure, I read it.” And by “read” I mean watched the movie. “Have you read Moby Dick?” “Of course, twice.” And by “twice” I mean listened to an abridged version on my iPod and watched a cartoon version when I was a kid.

I just want to say a personal thank you to all the people who spend their time reading books and translating them into screenplays so I don’t have to waste my time. And for the record, I just want to say that I actually read Jurassic Park and can honestly say the movie was way better than the book.

Have you completely lost faith in the future of mankind yet? I hope not, because we’re moving on to number one.

1. The power to drive the speed limit

I am aware that driving over the speed limit will get me to my destination a negligible amount of time sooner. I realize that cops can detect my speed even if they are in front of me going the same direction. I understand that slowing down just a bit is probably better for my car, the cars around me, and my overall stress levels in life. So, what’s your point?

You know what else I realize? How fattening fast food is. Did that stop me from getting a McGriddle this morning? No.

I don’t care about the reasons I should slow down that all you old folks keep spouting off. If there is a car doing 65 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he better by God get over. If there is a car doing 95 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he still better gtf over.

I don’t know why I have this problem. I don’t know why I must always be going as fast as possible. I can’t explain why seeing the back of another car right in front of me sets me into a fiery angerful rage. Wouldn’t it be nice to, just once, go the speed limit? I can only imagine, because I have never, ever, willingly done so.

One time I tried but I swear my car took over and made itself go 10 mph over the limit. I’m half serious about that, but I swear it was truly a task that took all of my willpower to do. I was sweating and paranoid by the end of it. I kept having hallucinations of an angry driver right on my tail cursing me and invoking the gods to strike my car with a huge boulder and wipe me off the face of the Earth.

If you possess the power to drive the speed limit without it ruining your life, I am truly humbled by you and I hope you don’t take your powers for granted. Use them for good, not evil. By that I mean gtf over if I’m behind you.

The Workaround

The only person who is allowed to tell me how fast to travel is Mr. Highway Patrolman. It’s between me and him, and we’ve had our share of reckonings. 14 to be precise.

I get a ticket once every year or two. The highway cops and I have come to an agreement that this is the way it’s going to be. When I get a ticket it’s not so much a “penalty” as it is a “renewal of my membership for the speedy drivers club”. I pay a hundred and fifty bones every year or so and I can drive 15 over the speed limit whenever and wherever I want. The cops get their money and I get my freedom - it’s a win/win situation. Besides if you break it down it’s less than 10 bucks a month.

Posted under amazing, gimcrackery, science, sports, video

I can’t help it, I am intrigued by things that may seem pointless or boring to you. For instance I love telling people that there are more possible chess game outcomes than atoms in the universe. I usually get one of two responses to that:

1. “Your life saddens me.”
2. “That’s impossible. Your life saddens me.”

It only follows that this video intrigued me. It’s another video about the relative size of things, specifically using the power of 10 scale. If you liked my previous posts regarding this sort of thing (Big Ol’ Numbers and Our Sun Is Tiny) then you will undoubtedly enjoy this video. If not, here is the web page you should be reading instead.

BONUS VIDEOS!

Here’s my way of saying thanks to you for somehow having enough of an attention span to still be reading this scatter-brained blog. I like to sprinkle a little miscellany everywhere I can, especially if it’s gimcrack miscellany. If you read Digg everyday you’ve already seen these. Sorry.

Lightning strike right on the beach! (Audio is NSFW)

Chuck Norris in training! BOOM HEADSHOT

Posted under ichc, rofl

Here are some office graphs that some people have sent me in response to the ones I posted.

by Phil

by Phil

by Phil

by Phil

by Phil

by Jonathan

by Jonathan

by Chris

Tell them what you think in the comments. I really like “How Princess Leia And I Are Different”.

Posted under ichc, rofl

My fourth attempt.

*UPDATE*

Check it out, this graph made it to the front page of Graph Jam: