The Gimcrack Miscellany

“Holy cow, a new post on The Gimcrack Miscellany!”

I know, I know. Taco Bell released the Volcano Taco. I’ve been busy.

I don’t know if you’ve read in the papers lately, but the DJIA (?) is way down and the Nazz Deck (?) has lost a lot of points and the SMP-500 (stands for “Stock Market Price 500″) is failing miserably. Well I don’t know exactly what all of this means, but it seems bad.

So what is the stock market? It’s one of those questions that most people think they know the answer to, but do they really? The answer is no. For instance, can you explain this picture?

Stop. Don’t say “people trading on Wall Street”. You’re like a child that repeats a cuss word.

Let me tell you something that really annoys me. Sometimes when the stock market comes up in conversation (which is never my doing) I ask the other person this question: “Hey, what is the stock market?”

I always get the same response: “The stock market? Duh, dude. It’s … [blah blah blah, regurgitate facts they heard on Bloomburg, blah blah blah] … so, you see, it’s pretty cool.”

That’s when I look at the person and exclaim, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

It really annoys me because I have this pet peeve about people that aren’t able to just say they don’t know the answer to something. Instead, they run their mouths and hope there’s no one around that actually knows about the subject at hand. Occasionally there will be an expert on hand to present follow-up questions to the know-it-all, and that’s when the know-it-all really starts to squirm. This is very pleasurable to observe and it’s something that I greatly look forward to each day that I wake up.

So what IS the stock market? I’m not asking for a one sentence definition. I want to know why it exists, how it works, and why it has been falling lately. I’ve had classes on this and I’ve read articles and done research and passed my Series 7 exam and everything. Heck, I work at a financial institution. You think I ought to know the answers to these questions. But I don’t truly grasp how it all works.

I just read this article on BBC that is totally written for dumbasses like me. What happens every time I read one of these watered-down articles about the stock market is this: I become enlightened at about the second paragraph and begin to realize what it all means and how it all works as I get further into the article. Then, when I get to the end, I realize I have forgotten the basic elements on which the article has been building.

I can understand each piece, but I just can’t wrap my head around the sum of the parts. Why can I build a complicated web application but I can’t understand the stock market? Probably because I build it in small pieces. It’s similar to the “Baby Steps” theory presented in the exquisite film “What About Bob?”

Do you feel the same way? I can offer some consolation. 1) To make myself feel better, I have determined that no one really understands the stock market. 2) I oft’ enjoy Volcano Tacos.

Combining those two elements is a recipe for success! Ignorance cancels out gluttony and vice versa.

A while back, a good friend introduced me to the web comic called Basic Instructions. As I’m writing this the website is down, and I’m pretty sure it’s because today’s strip is hilarious and everyone’s reading it. It must have gotten submitted to Digg or something. If you don’t read this comic, you should. I’m probably the millionth person to blog about how you should read Basic Instructions if you don’t already, but for whatever it’s worth, I give it my seal of approval. Here is today’s strip:

I think I have a lot in common with the guy who writes this comic strip. Meh, everyone probably thinks they do. Just like everyone thinks their boss is worse than Micheal Scott. If your boss was really worse than Micheal Scott, do you really think he would still be your boss? No, he would be in jail and bankrupt.

Need I say more? Best video evar. You can view it embedded below, but there’s an even better version of it that I highly recommend here: Slo-Mo Face Punching.

You know how the taste of something is like 50% based on smell, and communication is like 90% based on your body language? Well I submit that commercials are 100% based on the background music.

The genius ad agencies are the ones that grab your attention. It’s hard to grab peoples’ attention using visuals since most people look away during the commercials, plus the fact that we’re constantly barraged with visuals as we’re watching TV, so our eyes become used to constant stimulus.

It’s different with sound. Say you’re watching football, a sitcom, or a reality show. All you hear is constant cheering & play calling, laugh tracks & stupid jokes, and bitching and moaning, respectively. Then comes a commercial break. Time to go get another bowl of ice cream. But wait, where’s that strange, pleasing music coming from? It’s different than the mindless yakking about Taco Bell’s new spicy Volcano Taco, the liar shouting about the over-stock of Kia Sorento inventory, and the overly dramatic “preview voice guy” telling you how the next episode of Bones will blow your mind. You peer back at the TV in awe, and realize what’s playing is a commercial, but you’re enjoying it.

Has this ever happened to you? If it has, it was most likely one of the following top 5 best uses of music in a commercial (that I can remember):

Read the rest of this entry »

I was recently horrified to find out that someone I know drinks a Frappuccino every day. I don’t think there is a worse thing you could drink. It’s one of the best-tasting drinks around, but consequently it’s one of the least healthy.

I was a barista for 4 years and I made plenty of Frappucino-like drinks (we called them Ice Storms). I used to split one with my coworker every couple of days, but stopped doing so when I discovered just how unhealthy they really are.

Why are Frappuccinos so bad for you? They cover all the bases of unhealthiness: they contain lots of sugar, fat, carbs, and caffeine. Let’s dive right into some comparisons:

Look at those carbs and sugar! Keep in mind we are comparing two very unhealthy fast food burgers to a DRINK. I guess it would be fine to drink Frappuccinos if you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and then ate a really healthy dinner filled with vegetables and lean meat. Or if you ran 4 miles a day to offset the calorie intake. But let’s be honest here, people who drink Frappuccinos are the same people who eat bags of popcorn as an afternoon snack at their desks, so I don’t see them skipping 2 meals a day (which is also unhealthy - it lowers your metabolism).

How can something you drink be as unhealthy as a delicious McDonald’s hamburger that you eat? I’m willing to bet that if they put nutrition information right on the menus at Starbucks, a lot of people would get a drink with half the calories that would still taste really good. For instance, you could get a Lite Caramel Frappuccino - with only 180 calories (instead of a whopping 500) and 1.5 grams of fat (instead of 16). I imagine they don’t add the whip, they use a different mix base, and use skim milk. Still, you get a large Frappuccino with like 75% less guilt.

What’s the worst drink at Starbucks?

600 calories. BOOM. I would much rather eat a Whopper. Plus I’d get more nutrition from a Whopper than a Frappuccino.

What’s the worst drink ANYWHERE?

If you have a Large Heath Bar Shake habit, shoot yourself right now.