Watching the Colts beat Houston this past Sunday, especially when Sage Rosenfels begins to weep after he throws that last interception, reminded me of when Marlin Jackson gave him a helicopter ride earlier in the season. I feel I owe the Colts an homage of various football hits because of this.

Football to the groin

Football to the head

Helmet to the head:
(happens at :25)

Offense to the kicker
(happens at 1:10)

Kicker to the offense

Defense to the offense:

And finally, some great Colts-specific hits that we’ve all seen before but are worth revisiting as we approach the latter part of the NFL season:

Antoine Bethea vs. Falcons:

Bob Sanders vs Jaguars:

Darrel Reid vs. Chris Henry:
(best hit ever)

*BONUS*

Rare clip from 1970 of Tony Dungy tackling someone so hard that both of their shoes fly off:

This brings me to a prediction I have about the future of the Internet and search technology. Mark my words: soon every song ever created will be indexed front-to-back, and we will be able to hum a few consecutive notes of either the melody or harmony of any song, and our computer will immediately return every song that contains that sequence. The more you hum, the better your search results will be. It doesn’t matter what key you hum in, whether your pitch is on, or even if you hum the right melody.

And this will happen within the next 10 years.

Oh and also if you are saying to yourself “that’s easy, they can do that in the next 2 years, what’s so hard about that?” then you are technologically ignorant.

*BONUS*

I found out that a song called Danse Macabre also came from Carnival of the Animals, which is another song that I have heard before but could never verify its provenance. Take a gander, I guarantee you’ve heard this at least once before. If you’ve seen Tombstone you have.

Jonathan, please bear with the rest of us non-musical people while we experience things you’ve known since you were 3.

It seems like everywhere I turn I’m pimp smacked by the hand of bad news. Doom and gloom abounds on TV, in the movies, and even everyday conversations with people. Our economy is dying. Both presidential candidates suck. Gas prices are way up. The Colts played terribly on Sunday. Global warming. Murder. Abortion. Capital punishment. Genocide. Disease. Famine. Pestilence. Death.

This stuff doesn’t bother me. I don’t dwell on it very often. Heck, maybe I should, I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure, there are many more things in the universe that should put a smile on your face than a frown. Here are 5 of them off the top of my head.

#5 Our Country

Think about the fact that you can choose to vote or choose not to vote, and it’s nobody’s business but your own. You don’t have to tell anyone who you voted for or why, and you can have any political viewpoint you want without worrying about anybody (legally) threatening you. No matter who wins the election we will still be the best country in the world with the most powerful military, the highest GDP, and the best schools and corporations, regardless of what doomsday political know-it-alls are “predicting”.

#4 Taco Bell

Any time of any day that I so choose, I can get in my car, drive down the street, and shop at Taco Bell. Or Hardees. Or Subway. Anywhere I want to eat, I can. And I can eat whatever I want. I thank God for this privilege.

Yes, I consider my visits to fast food establishments to be shopping trips.

#3 Roads

Did you ever stop to think about how you can go anywhere you want? You can get on the interstate, which is probably not far from your driveway and get anywhere in the entire country (besides Hawaii). Or, you can drive to the airport, and get on a plane that will take you anywhere in the world (besides Antartica).

But the roads are especially neat to me. Some people complain about road construction. I see it the other way around. Someone is utilizing a bunch of amazingly-engineered heavy machinery and constructing a road for my pleasure. That brightens my day to think about.

#2 DVR

I can pause and rewind live TV. So can you. Even if you don’t have DVR yet, don’t worry about it. It’s one of those things that every household will have within the next 5 years, like dishwashers, microwaves, and cell phones. If you have a TV, you will have the power of DVR. And it will be magnanimous.

#1 Earth

Our Earth is indestructible by human hands. And most other powers too. The Earth cannot be blown up by bombs, and there is no comet or asteroid big enough to destroy the Earth. Even Mars isn’t big enough. If it smashed into the Earth, it would not destroy the Earth (unless it was going at an unbelievably high speed). Mars is only 11% of the mass of the Earth. The object would have to be as big as Venus, which is 81% Earth’s mass. And it would have to be traveling at 50,000 miles per hour. To find out just how hard it is to destroy our planet, see this article.

So, we live in the greatest country on the most resilient planet in the solar system, and we can travel to any Taco Bell we want on a very sophisticated highway system without missing new episodes of The Office. If that doesn’t brighten your day, I don’t know what else to tell you.

I know, I know. Taco Bell released the Volcano Taco. I’ve been busy.

I don’t know if you’ve read in the papers lately, but the DJIA (?) is way down and the Nazz Deck (?) has lost a lot of points and the SMP-500 (stands for “Stock Market Price 500″) is failing miserably. Well I don’t know exactly what all of this means, but it seems bad.

So what is the stock market? It’s one of those questions that most people think they know the answer to, but do they really? The answer is no. For instance, can you explain this picture?

Stop. Don’t say “people trading on Wall Street”. You’re like a child that repeats a cuss word.

Let me tell you something that really annoys me. Sometimes when the stock market comes up in conversation (which is never my doing) I ask the other person this question: “Hey, what is the stock market?”

I always get the same response: “The stock market? Duh, dude. It’s … [blah blah blah, regurgitate facts they heard on Bloomburg, blah blah blah] … so, you see, it’s pretty cool.”

That’s when I look at the person and exclaim, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

It really annoys me because I have this pet peeve about people that aren’t able to just say they don’t know the answer to something. Instead, they run their mouths and hope there’s no one around that actually knows about the subject at hand. Occasionally there will be an expert on hand to present follow-up questions to the know-it-all, and that’s when the know-it-all really starts to squirm. This is very pleasurable to observe and it’s something that I greatly look forward to each day that I wake up.

So what IS the stock market? I’m not asking for a one sentence definition. I want to know why it exists, how it works, and why it has been falling lately. I’ve had classes on this and I’ve read articles and done research and passed my Series 7 exam and everything. Heck, I work at a financial institution. You think I ought to know the answers to these questions. But I don’t truly grasp how it all works.

I just read this article on BBC that is totally written for dumbasses like me. What happens every time I read one of these watered-down articles about the stock market is this: I become enlightened at about the second paragraph and begin to realize what it all means and how it all works as I get further into the article. Then, when I get to the end, I realize I have forgotten the basic elements on which the article has been building.

I can understand each piece, but I just can’t wrap my head around the sum of the parts. Why can I build a complicated web application but I can’t understand the stock market? Probably because I build it in small pieces. It’s similar to the “Baby Steps” theory presented in the exquisite film “What About Bob?”

Do you feel the same way? I can offer some consolation. 1) To make myself feel better, I have determined that no one really understands the stock market. 2) I oft’ enjoy Volcano Tacos.

Combining those two elements is a recipe for success! Ignorance cancels out gluttony and vice versa.

I think I have a lot in common with the guy who writes this comic strip. Meh, everyone probably thinks they do. Just like everyone thinks their boss is worse than Micheal Scott. If your boss was really worse than Micheal Scott, do you really think he would still be your boss? No, he would be in jail and bankrupt.

You know how the taste of something is like 50% based on smell, and communication is like 90% based on your body language? Well I submit that commercials are 100% based on the background music.

The genius ad agencies are the ones that grab your attention. It’s hard to grab peoples’ attention using visuals since most people look away during the commercials, plus the fact that we’re constantly barraged with visuals as we’re watching TV, so our eyes become used to constant stimulus.

It’s different with sound. Say you’re watching football, a sitcom, or a reality show. All you hear is constant cheering & play calling, laugh tracks & stupid jokes, and bitching and moaning, respectively. Then comes a commercial break. Time to go get another bowl of ice cream. But wait, where’s that strange, pleasing music coming from? It’s different than the mindless yakking about Taco Bell’s new spicy Volcano Taco, the liar shouting about the over-stock of Kia Sorento inventory, and the overly dramatic “preview voice guy” telling you how the next episode of Bones will blow your mind. You peer back at the TV in awe, and realize what’s playing is a commercial, but you’re enjoying it.

Has this ever happened to you? If it has, it was most likely one of the following top 5 best uses of music in a commercial (that I can remember):

#5. Geico

Geico has spent tons of money on marketing over the last few years. And I thank them for that. Here is one of the best ads from the Caveman series, and it’s due largely to the song they chose to be playing in the background at the airport terminal. It is hip, sophisticated, and modern - which is exactly how Geico is portraying their cavemen.

The song is Remind Me by Royksopp.

#4. Apple iPod

Apple is, of course, a huge player in the music industry with its giant iTunes + iPod venture. It would only follow that they use great songs in their commercials. It’s almost guaranteed that if you get your song featured in an iPod commercial, your record is going platinum. While the commercials featuring CSS, Feist, Yael Naim, and Chairlift are very pleasing to listen to and watch (what’s with Apple’s infatuation with female singers?), my personal favorite was the ad for the iPod Classic that could play music videos.

The song is Original of the Species by U2

#3. Nike

Nike is all about hype. What hypes you up better than music? People listen to it when they work out, right before they go on stage, or just before a football game. Nike has perfected the hype machine, and it’s never been done so flawlessly as it was done in the commercial just before the 2007 football season. I had never been so hyped for something in all my life. The commercial is poingnant by itself, but the music takes it to an epic level. It gives meaning and truth to the game of football, and it essentially elevates it above life itself. Even if you don’t like football, you will almost certainly become hyped by watching this commercial.

The song is based on The Last of the Mohicans soundtrack by Randy Edelman.

#2. Reese’s

Sometimes a brand name has a complete turn-around simply because of a superb marketing department. Take Hardees for instance. They decided they were going to do something that hadn’t been done before and it kept the company alive. Another good example is Reese’s. Remember the commercials about “how X eats his/her Reese’s cup?” Those went out the window, and Hershey’s ushered in a brand new line of advertisements. Simpler. More profound. And with the coolest music I’ve ever heard in a marketing campaign. I only wish the commercials were longer than 20 seconds so I could hear more of the song. I couldn’t choose just one, so here are my three favorites in order:

The song is Needy Girl by Chromeo

The song is (Feels Like) Heaven by Fiction Factory

The song is The Perfect Meltdown by Bones Domingo.

You can download that last one from the Reese’s website or, in case they take away the free download at some point, directly from my website here.

#1. Gears of War

This is the best use of music in a commercial ever. There is something to be said about the contrast between the soft music and the violent visuals. There are no sound effects or voice-overs present, which lets the music completely stand out on its own. It sets this video game ad apart from the rest because it doesn’t have constant sound effects, heavy metal music, and voice-overs telling you about all the features in the game. You are left wondering about the game, and you’re more likely to go find out more, which is exactly what the creators want you to do. It also doesn’t hurt that this song is one of my personal favorites.

The song is Mad World by Gary Jules

Notice, not one of these commercials has a single spoken word. It proves that you don’t need to blabber about your product to sell it. It doesn’t mean you can’t, it just means that it’s not necessary quite so often.

I was a barista for 4 years and I made plenty of Frappucino-like drinks (we called them Ice Storms). I used to split one with my coworker every couple of days, but stopped doing so when I discovered just how unhealthy they really are.

Why are Frappuccinos so bad for you? They cover all the bases of unhealthiness: they contain lots of sugar, fat, carbs, and caffeine. Let’s dive right into some comparisons:

Look at those carbs and sugar! Keep in mind we are comparing two very unhealthy fast food burgers to a DRINK. I guess it would be fine to drink Frappuccinos if you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and then ate a really healthy dinner filled with vegetables and lean meat. Or if you ran 4 miles a day to offset the calorie intake. But let’s be honest here, people who drink Frappuccinos are the same people who eat bags of popcorn as an afternoon snack at their desks, so I don’t see them skipping 2 meals a day (which is also unhealthy - it lowers your metabolism).

How can something you drink be as unhealthy as a delicious McDonald’s hamburger that you eat? I’m willing to bet that if they put nutrition information right on the menus at Starbucks, a lot of people would get a drink with half the calories that would still taste really good. For instance, you could get a Lite Caramel Frappuccino - with only 180 calories (instead of a whopping 500) and 1.5 grams of fat (instead of 16). I imagine they don’t add the whip, they use a different mix base, and use skim milk. Still, you get a large Frappuccino with like 75% less guilt.

What’s the worst drink at Starbucks?

600 calories. BOOM. I would much rather eat a Whopper. Plus I’d get more nutrition from a Whopper than a Frappuccino.

What’s the worst drink ANYWHERE?

If you have a Large Heath Bar Shake habit, shoot yourself right now.