The Gimcrack Miscellany

This is 100% funny if you play WoW, and 0% funny if you don’t. OK maybe 1%.

10 Signs You Play World of Warcraft Too Much

10. You registered for an Agro-Science class because you thought it would help your warrior tank better.

9. You get on vent every day, and it’s not because you’re cold.

8. Your son’s first word was “LF PORT TO SHATT, PAYING 5g - PST!!!”

7. You frequently joke that your headphones give you plus 24 intellect.

6. You got a speeding ticket and told your wife the cop was a spawn camper.

5. You want twin daughters so you can name them Mara and Kara.

4. Your favorite color is purple and you’re straight.

3. Your least favorite day of the whole week isn’t Monday. It’s Tuesday.

2. A guy cut you off in traffic and you glanced down at your dashboard to see what level he was.

Number 1 is R-rated, so don’t read it if you are sensitive to sexual innuendo. Too bad though, cause it’s really funny.

It’s down there ↓

1. You mount your Netherdrake more often than you mount your wife.

I’ve been reminiscing about all the video games I’ve played in my many years of gaming (going on 21 years of conscious gaming). When I think about my favorite video games, three or four immediately come to mind. But when I sit down to write about it and access my mental catalog of titles, I realize that they barely fit in a top 10 favorites list.

It’s not too often that I have 10 favorites of anything. The problem with 10 favorites is it’s like having 10 winners in a race. No one cares that there are 10 winners. We want to know who was absolutely FIRST. The others just make up the first 9 to lose.

I get annoyed when people refuse to have a favorite of something, like how American Idol is secretly your favorite reality prime time TV show but you’re too afraid to admit it. It’s a cop-out when you say you don’t have a true favorite in a category, like how Backstreet Boys is your favorite pop cross-over hip hop all male dancing group but you’re ashamed to say it for some reason.

Not proclaiming your favorite of something is usually due to one (or all) of four possible reasons:

• 1) you are too lazy to put any effort into it
• 2) your opinions are too easily swayed to hold fast to any one thing for too long
• 3) you’re embarassed
• 4) you have trouble committing

That list sounds like it applies to relationships or something. Well take all that nonsense somewhere else because this is The Gimcrack Miscellany and we don’t like talking about things that make us feel vulnerable and/or pathetic.

So why am I saying all this on a top 10 list? Because I’m not talking favorites here, I’m talking ‘most played’ - read the title again. Aha! Yyyyyyyep. I’m not breaking any of my rules because these aren’t necessarily my top 10 favorites just because I played them the most.

Upon further thought, it just so happens that this list corresponds exactly with my top 10 favorites list…

Anyway, the number of hours you log playing a game has nothing to do with whether or not it’s your favorite game. Well, I guess it has to have something to do with it, but how else do you explain the huge numbers behind Tetris, Pacman, and Freecell? Those aren’t anyone’s favorite games, trust me. 85% of wives will say at least one of them is their favorite, but we know they’re lying. Brain Ninjas wins, hands down.

Oh, and one more thing, I realize this is a top 10 list instead of a top 5 list. What’s your point? Ye Old Top Fiver™ is just a marketing tool. It’s not meant to be taken literally - it’s a brand that people trust. Just ask our LOLheads™ or Reference Burst Theory™ divisions.

Honorable Mention

I could have made this a top 101 list, but it would’ve taken me several days and multiple posts to make a list of that caliber. So, before we get to the top 10, here is a list of honorable mentions that I wish I had time to talk about:

25. Donkey Kong Country
24. Scorched Earth
23. Wii Tennis
22. Quake II
21. Unreal
20. Return to Castle Wolfenstein
19. Quake
18. Roller Coaster Tycoon
17. Mario Kart 64
16. The Sims
15. Age of Empires II
14. Galaga
13. GTA Vice City
12. Goldeneye
11. The Dig

Awww, boo hoo - your game didn’t make it into the top 10. Write your own damn blog then. ON WITH THE TOP 10!

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I may get myself in trouble with this one. I’m just gonna put it out there, if you don’t like it feel free to send it right back my way via the comments.

These are my current all-time least favorite movies, thus they have been etched into the annals of The Blacklist. And let me tell you, it’s a very dark place down there. It’s darker’n a black steer’s tookus on a moonless prairie night.

I’ve seen terrible movies without plots, acting, or any sort of direction. I’ve watched wretched films that annoy the living h e double pixie sticks out of me. I’ve feasted my eyes upon utterly offensive flicks that were designed to do just that: offend. But we’re talking lower than that.

Imagine the worst movie you’ve ever seen, and then take that movie and replace the dialog with Chinese, the soundtrack with the constant squeak of a rusty shopping cart wheel, the lead actress with Angelina Jolie, and the director with Satan.

Even that film would blow the following list of pure garish bilge out of the water.

Keep in mind, these are the worst five movies A) that I’ve seen, B) that I remember, and C) that I actually suffered through until the credits rolled, or until my DVD player mutilated the disc and regurgitated it directly into a local garbage incinerator for me. Gooood DVD player. Wanna go outside? Come on boy!

Now you see the world I’ve created and hopelessly trapped myself in. Prepare yourself for my Top Five Most Horrible Blacklisted Films:

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Actually, can I retract that? It’s really not appropriate to come up with any kind of favorites list when dealing with such topics as explosions, violence, war, etc.

That being said, let’s do 2 things:

• 1. Realize no one was hurt in most of these explosions
• 2. Pretend the ones that were are teh bad guyz

Hopefully if anyone’s offended they will think I live in England since I spelled ‘favorite’ with a ‘u’ in the title of this post. Realise that you must use colourful techniques like that if you want to retain your honour and manoeuvre to the top - memorise them, don’t criticise them. It’s a simple programme, there’s no arguement to that. Catalogue. Theatre. Draught. Pyjamas.

There, I think that’s a good enough defence. I hope you learnt something. Ok, cheque this out:

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I started seeing commercials for King’s Island about a month ago, just like every May, and I noticed that it is no longer called “Paramount’s King’s Island”. The “Paramount’s” has been removed, which prompted me to check out the website and see what happened. A couple hours of wikipedia research, a sandwich, four Beer 30s, and many tears later, I learned more about King’s Island than I ever cared to know, but some of it was interesting especially since I was practically raised by the amusement park. I’ll let you in on the most interesting things I’ve learned about King’s Island history.

One word of advice: if you haven’t been there, this post will be the most boring thing you’ve ever read. I think it’s a pretty popular place that most of us have experienced at one point in time, especially since it’s a mere 2.25 hours away. Still, I thought I’d warn you in case you think King’s Island is actually an island owned by Elvis or the King mascot from Burger King.

Here’s a little taste of my awesome trivia: Did you know the Son of Beast used to hold the record for being the only wooden coaster in the world with a loop?

You’re thinking whaaa??? what does he mean by used to? This n00b is messing with us.

Without further ado, I bring you the top five things you didn’t know about King’s Island.

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