It seems like everywhere I turn I’m pimp smacked by the hand of bad news. Doom and gloom abounds on TV, in the movies, and even everyday conversations with people. Our economy is dying. Both presidential candidates suck. Gas prices are way up. The Colts played terribly on Sunday. Global warming. Murder. Abortion. Capital punishment. Genocide. Disease. Famine. Pestilence. Death.

This stuff doesn’t bother me. I don’t dwell on it very often. Heck, maybe I should, I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure, there are many more things in the universe that should put a smile on your face than a frown. Here are 5 of them off the top of my head.

#5 Our Country

Think about the fact that you can choose to vote or choose not to vote, and it’s nobody’s business but your own. You don’t have to tell anyone who you voted for or why, and you can have any political viewpoint you want without worrying about anybody (legally) threatening you. No matter who wins the election we will still be the best country in the world with the most powerful military, the highest GDP, and the best schools and corporations, regardless of what doomsday political know-it-alls are “predicting”.

#4 Taco Bell

Any time of any day that I so choose, I can get in my car, drive down the street, and shop at Taco Bell. Or Hardees. Or Subway. Anywhere I want to eat, I can. And I can eat whatever I want. I thank God for this privilege.

Yes, I consider my visits to fast food establishments to be shopping trips.

#3 Roads

Did you ever stop to think about how you can go anywhere you want? You can get on the interstate, which is probably not far from your driveway and get anywhere in the entire country (besides Hawaii). Or, you can drive to the airport, and get on a plane that will take you anywhere in the world (besides Antartica).

But the roads are especially neat to me. Some people complain about road construction. I see it the other way around. Someone is utilizing a bunch of amazingly-engineered heavy machinery and constructing a road for my pleasure. That brightens my day to think about.

#2 DVR

I can pause and rewind live TV. So can you. Even if you don’t have DVR yet, don’t worry about it. It’s one of those things that every household will have within the next 5 years, like dishwashers, microwaves, and cell phones. If you have a TV, you will have the power of DVR. And it will be magnanimous.

#1 Earth

Our Earth is indestructible by human hands. And most other powers too. The Earth cannot be blown up by bombs, and there is no comet or asteroid big enough to destroy the Earth. Even Mars isn’t big enough. If it smashed into the Earth, it would not destroy the Earth (unless it was going at an unbelievably high speed). Mars is only 11% of the mass of the Earth. The object would have to be as big as Venus, which is 81% Earth’s mass. And it would have to be traveling at 50,000 miles per hour. To find out just how hard it is to destroy our planet, see this article.

So, we live in the greatest country on the most resilient planet in the solar system, and we can travel to any Taco Bell we want on a very sophisticated highway system without missing new episodes of The Office. If that doesn’t brighten your day, I don’t know what else to tell you.

“Holy cow, a new post on The Gimcrack Miscellany!”

I know, I know. Taco Bell released the Volcano Taco. I’ve been busy.

I don’t know if you’ve read in the papers lately, but the DJIA (?) is way down and the Nazz Deck (?) has lost a lot of points and the SMP-500 (stands for “Stock Market Price 500″) is failing miserably. Well I don’t know exactly what all of this means, but it seems bad.

So what is the stock market? It’s one of those questions that most people think they know the answer to, but do they really? The answer is no. For instance, can you explain this picture?

Stop. Don’t say “people trading on Wall Street”. You’re like a child that repeats a cuss word.

Let me tell you something that really annoys me. Sometimes when the stock market comes up in conversation (which is never my doing) I ask the other person this question: “Hey, what is the stock market?”

I always get the same response: “The stock market? Duh, dude. It’s … [blah blah blah, regurgitate facts they heard on Bloomburg, blah blah blah] … so, you see, it’s pretty cool.”

That’s when I look at the person and exclaim, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

It really annoys me because I have this pet peeve about people that aren’t able to just say they don’t know the answer to something. Instead, they run their mouths and hope there’s no one around that actually knows about the subject at hand. Occasionally there will be an expert on hand to present follow-up questions to the know-it-all, and that’s when the know-it-all really starts to squirm. This is very pleasurable to observe and it’s something that I greatly look forward to each day that I wake up.

So what IS the stock market? I’m not asking for a one sentence definition. I want to know why it exists, how it works, and why it has been falling lately. I’ve had classes on this and I’ve read articles and done research and passed my Series 7 exam and everything. Heck, I work at a financial institution. You think I ought to know the answers to these questions. But I don’t truly grasp how it all works.

I just read this article on BBC that is totally written for dumbasses like me. What happens every time I read one of these watered-down articles about the stock market is this: I become enlightened at about the second paragraph and begin to realize what it all means and how it all works as I get further into the article. Then, when I get to the end, I realize I have forgotten the basic elements on which the article has been building.

I can understand each piece, but I just can’t wrap my head around the sum of the parts. Why can I build a complicated web application but I can’t understand the stock market? Probably because I build it in small pieces. It’s similar to the “Baby Steps” theory presented in the exquisite film “What About Bob?”

Do you feel the same way? I can offer some consolation. 1) To make myself feel better, I have determined that no one really understands the stock market. 2) I oft’ enjoy Volcano Tacos.

Combining those two elements is a recipe for success! Ignorance cancels out gluttony and vice versa.

I was recently horrified to find out that someone I know drinks a Frappuccino every day. I don’t think there is a worse thing you could drink. It’s one of the best-tasting drinks around, but consequently it’s one of the least healthy.

I was a barista for 4 years and I made plenty of Frappucino-like drinks (we called them Ice Storms). I used to split one with my coworker every couple of days, but stopped doing so when I discovered just how unhealthy they really are.

Why are Frappuccinos so bad for you? They cover all the bases of unhealthiness: they contain lots of sugar, fat, carbs, and caffeine. Let’s dive right into some comparisons:

Look at those carbs and sugar! Keep in mind we are comparing two very unhealthy fast food burgers to a DRINK. I guess it would be fine to drink Frappuccinos if you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and then ate a really healthy dinner filled with vegetables and lean meat. Or if you ran 4 miles a day to offset the calorie intake. But let’s be honest here, people who drink Frappuccinos are the same people who eat bags of popcorn as an afternoon snack at their desks, so I don’t see them skipping 2 meals a day (which is also unhealthy - it lowers your metabolism).

How can something you drink be as unhealthy as a delicious McDonald’s hamburger that you eat? I’m willing to bet that if they put nutrition information right on the menus at Starbucks, a lot of people would get a drink with half the calories that would still taste really good. For instance, you could get a Lite Caramel Frappuccino - with only 180 calories (instead of a whopping 500) and 1.5 grams of fat (instead of 16). I imagine they don’t add the whip, they use a different mix base, and use skim milk. Still, you get a large Frappuccino with like 75% less guilt.

What’s the worst drink at Starbucks?

600 calories. BOOM. I would much rather eat a Whopper. Plus I’d get more nutrition from a Whopper than a Frappuccino.

What’s the worst drink ANYWHERE?

If you have a Large Heath Bar Shake habit, shoot yourself right now.

There’s nothing worse than a cliché. They were obviously invented for a good reason. Sometimes you don’t feel like explaining something the old-fashioned way, such as using logic and meaningful words, so it’s easier to just use a cliché.

The problem is people use clichés much too frequently, causing them to A) lose their poignancy and B) get really annoying. Even the word cliché has become a cliché, which has caused a recursive lapse in the time-space continuum - similar to what would happen if you were to make two mirrors reflect each other. Thank goodness no one has ever tried that.

Even more annoying than clichéd words and phrases are film elements, such as plot lines, endings, actors, and characters. Today we will focus on the latter.

On a side note, the price of movie tickets has gotten really, really, ridiculously out of control. Why are we complaining about gas prices? It costs just as much to take your date to a movie as it does to buy the dang DVD. And popcorn I think is up to about 39¢ a kernel.

Focus. These are the top 5 most annoying character clichés in comedy films.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m always thinking about the super powers I wish I had. Would it be better to fly or be invisible? Duh, fly. If you said invisible you’re one of three things: a) a thief, b) a cheater, or c) a depressed recluse. Think about it, if you could fly you would never have to pay for gas, a car, or insurance again. Plus you’d save tons of time. You would just need a helmet for the bugs. And probably a blanket for the cold air higher in the atmosphere. And you wouldn’t be able to listen to music like you would in a car because it would be so loud all the time with the wind blowing in your ears. And how tiring would it be? It’s hard enough to run for a sustained period of time. OK, so there are a few small holes in my logic.

So you have your super powers that we all know are just a fantasy and no one really has. What I’m concerned with are the less-than-super powers. These are powers that a lot of people do have. Powers that would make everyday life so much easier if only I was blessed with them.

I’m not complaining about my lot in life by any means. I know with every helpful power comes an annoying trait, it’s just how life balances out. All I’m doing here is pointing out the powers that I wish I had, and if you, one of my myriad of readers, possess one of these powers, consider yourself lucky. And disliked by me.

Here are 5 everyday powers I wish I had.

5. The power to remember someone’s name

No matter how intensely I invoke every last fiber of power my memory has, I simply can’t remember someone’s name after I meet them. I channel all of my energy and let everything else in the world slip away except the 5 to 10 letters that make up the name of the person I am introducing myself to. But as soon as I make eye contact with this new person I immediately become an awkward bumbling mess of pleasantries and fake smiles, and it is at that point that I realize they have already said their name and I have lost my chance.

It almost seems like sometimes the person slips their name in there at the least likely place so cunningly that I don’t even have a chance to begin with. The worst part about the whole thing is the person always remembers my name.

This is specifically annoying when you start a new job and you have to remember 100 brand new names but everyone else only has to remember your name. Well I am so terrible at name remembering that I am the only guy in the office that doesn’t remember the new employee’s name. That’s a shame.

The Workaround

To supplement myself enough to still function in the world I have compiled an arsenal of socially acceptable alternate names that I am free to use on anyone I desire. Hey bro, what’s up? Dude, look who it is! Let’s bounce, playa. Yo bromide mcdizzle, what’s crackalackin? Ay bay bay!

Then they become distracted by my weirdness and forget I never said their name. Works like a charm!

4. The power to stop eating before I’m full

This is an important power to have for a number of reasons. First of all, it helps you to not get real fat. Actually that might be the only reason. But that’s enough to make me want it.

The Workaround

Drink Diet Coke instead of regular, and stop putting cream and sugar in your coffee. I’m serious, sometimes that’s all it takes. I lost 40 pounds doing precisely that. Oh yeah and I started running 12 miles a week. Is it worth all that effort to have the pleasure of eating until I can no longer move? Umm, absolutely.

3. The power to not get excited by celebrity gossip

Yeah, you heard me. I get excited by celebrity gossip. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s more of an involuntary reaction like when the doctor hits your knee with a mallet. So you see, it’s not my fault because I have no control over it, and therefore it is not a power that I can willingly learn. It has to be given to you at birth.

Celebrities are just people but dumber and with more money. And yet I get upset when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer break up. How could this be? Who broke up with who? Why did it happen? Did someone cheat? Gosling and McAdams are back together!?! Shut up I knew it!

This is unacceptable both as a man and, heck, a decent human. I don’t want to say that I support this industry, because I absolutely despise it. I’d rather be dragged through black plague sewage with my mouth and eyes open than be thought of as someone who supports Hollywood gossip. But I will admit that I have been known to linger just a bit longer on E! News while I’m flipping channels than is to be expected.

The Workaround

I seriously can’t think of a workaround for this. In exchange for not offering a workaround I’ll let you make fun of me to my face. But then you have to pass my manliness test or else I get to kick you in the privates.

2. The power to want to read a book

I know a lot of people with this power. I know people that can put away a book in a day. A thick book. With no pictures. I just can’t fathom what it must be like to possess such an extraordinary power. If I read for more than 30 minutes at a time I start to get all antsy and distracted by anything shiny.

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to get into a book that’s no good and realize I wasted two months of my life getting halfway through it. Do I waste another two months finishing it just so I can tell people I read it, or do I get out while I still can?

Oh actually I just realized what the problem is. I am a slow reader.

The Workaround

This is one of those powers that you can easily work around. “Have you read The Da Vinci Code?” “Sure, I read it.” And by “read” I mean watched the movie. “Have you read Moby Dick?” “Of course, twice.” And by “twice” I mean listened to an abridged version on my iPod and watched a cartoon version when I was a kid.

I just want to say a personal thank you to all the people who spend their time reading books and translating them into screenplays so I don’t have to waste my time. And for the record, I just want to say that I actually read Jurassic Park and can honestly say the movie was way better than the book.

Have you completely lost faith in the future of mankind yet? I hope not, because we’re moving on to number one.

1. The power to drive the speed limit

I am aware that driving over the speed limit will get me to my destination a negligible amount of time sooner. I realize that cops can detect my speed even if they are in front of me going the same direction. I understand that slowing down just a bit is probably better for my car, the cars around me, and my overall stress levels in life. So, what’s your point?

You know what else I realize? How fattening fast food is. Did that stop me from getting a McGriddle this morning? No.

I don’t care about the reasons I should slow down that all you old folks keep spouting off. If there is a car doing 65 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he better by God get over. If there is a car doing 95 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he still better gtf over.

I don’t know why I have this problem. I don’t know why I must always be going as fast as possible. I can’t explain why seeing the back of another car right in front of me sets me into a fiery angerful rage. Wouldn’t it be nice to, just once, go the speed limit? I can only imagine, because I have never, ever, willingly done so.

One time I tried but I swear my car took over and made itself go 10 mph over the limit. I’m half serious about that, but I swear it was truly a task that took all of my willpower to do. I was sweating and paranoid by the end of it. I kept having hallucinations of an angry driver right on my tail cursing me and invoking the gods to strike my car with a huge boulder and wipe me off the face of the Earth.

If you possess the power to drive the speed limit without it ruining your life, I am truly humbled by you and I hope you don’t take your powers for granted. Use them for good, not evil. By that I mean gtf over if I’m behind you.

The Workaround

The only person who is allowed to tell me how fast to travel is Mr. Highway Patrolman. It’s between me and him, and we’ve had our share of reckonings. 14 to be precise.

I get a ticket once every year or two. The highway cops and I have come to an agreement that this is the way it’s going to be. When I get a ticket it’s not so much a “penalty” as it is a “renewal of my membership for the speedy drivers club”. I pay a hundred and fifty bones every year or so and I can drive 15 over the speed limit whenever and wherever I want. The cops get their money and I get my freedom - it’s a win/win situation. Besides if you break it down it’s less than 10 bucks a month.