The Gimcrack Miscellany

330 feet deep. Swallowed 12 homes suddenly. The pit emitted foul odors, loud noises and tremors, shaking the surrounding ground. A rush of water could be heard from its depths…

I have a fear of voids, so that’s all I wanna know.

Ever since I can remember I’ve had a real fear of the following things (from least to greatest):

• 1. Voids
• 2. Cephalopods

While you’re glaring at me for using a big word that I obviously found on Wikipedia, let me touch on #1.

Voids frighten me. Remember ‘The Nothing’ from The Neverending Story? That was my first encounter with this fear. The best way I can describe it is a large, empty, dark space. The best example of a void is a cave entrance, specifically a Blue Hole:

A Blue Hole is a huge sink hole that got submerged and filled with water when the Ice Age ended. The one in these pictures is over 300 feet wide and 400 feet deep. There’s one in The Bahama’s that goes down 663 feet. That scares me.

But what genuinely frightens me more than anything else is a large cephalopod - specifically an octopus or a giant squid. I can deal with my fear of voids. I can go inside a cave as long as it has previously been explored and I’m with at least 2 other people with 2 other flashlights. But you’ll never catch me anywhere near a giant squid - alive or dead. Especially in a void.

Perhaps these pictures will say a thousand words:

That last one might not be an actual photo per se, but I bet that really happened. A lot of people are scared of spiders. A lot of other people are scared of the deep ocean. Well guess what? Squid are basically huge spiders that live in the deep ocean. And they can kill sharks. Gah!

If you’re not convinced, listen to these frightening facts about squid and octopuses:

• Squid can get up to 66 feet long
• Squid have the largest eyes of any living creature - over 1 foot in diameter
• Octopuses have three hearts
• Octopuses and squid are highly intelligent
• Octopuses can detach their own limbs which will crawl around and distract a predator

I can barely even write about this. Octopuses and squid are invertebrate, which means they can flatten their bodies and fit through small spaces. Apparently you can’t really have them as pets because with the combination of their intelligence and ability to fit through small gaps they usually end up breaking out of aquariums. Just look at this octopus escaping an aquarium through a thin crack:

And then watch this video of an octopus escaping a glass cage through a 1 inch hole:

I don’t know what it is, but I am petrified of giant squid. The following image is the most frightening image I have ever laid eyes upon. Just drink it in and tell me it doesn’t freak you out:

Look at the eyes! LOOK AT THEM! What IS that? Now imagine coming face to face with that monster in a Blue Hole.

One more thing I came across that is going on my list is Abyssal Gigantism. It’s the tendency for deep-sea dwelling animals to display a larger size than their shallow-water counterparts. Look at this little gem:

*shutter*

You know those business reply mail envelopes that clog up your mailbox from stupid junk mailers like Capital One - the ones that say “No Postage Necessary If Mailed In The US”? We both know that postage is, in fact, necessary to mail stuff. So, who is paying for this? It’s not you, me, or the Postal Service - it’s the sender (Capital One). Wanna stick it to them? OK, then read on.

Apparently, each time you do the following you cost the sender $25.

Step 1 - get a box.

Step 2 - get a brick.

Step 3 - put the brick in the box.

Step 4 - tape the business reply envelope (pictured above) to the box.

Step 5 - mail it.

Imagine more than one brick in the box. Imagine 10 bricks in the box. That would cost them $250. Or you can put any and all junk laying around your house in the box if you don’t have any spare bricks. Here are the advantages I can immediately see from this process:

• Screw Capital One
• Finally get rid of that broken toaster wasting space on your counter
• Stick it to Capital One
• Get rid of all those cardboard boxes the garbage men refuse to take
• Anger Capital One
• Increase revenue for the United States Postal Service
• Get people fired at Capital One
• Actually look forward to receiving stupid junk mail
• Chuckle to yourself about finally beating Capital One

If you have any questions or if I was not clear enough go to the official website for all this tomfoolery. It’s ideas like this that I wish I had come up with. Even now, while I’m writing this post about wishing I came up with good ideas, there is an idea that I could be coming up with that some loser in California will think of first.

I’m convinced this number pops up way more often in my life than any other number. I’m viewer number ‘leet’ on this YouTube vid:

Now if only I was worth a crap in WoW PVP. Then I’d really be leet.

American Gangster is one of those movies that I wish I didn’t love. It’s not particularly edifying and it contains a lot of nudity. At least it wasn’t Eastern Promises nudity, and for that I’m thankful.

It’s the true story of a self-made 1970s drug lord who rose to the top and fell right back down to the bottom, and ended up somewhere in the middle after all was said and done. It’s 50% Blow and 50% Goodfellas. What a great combination! Alright let’s get to it.

The Good

Denzel Washington really only plays one character: the oppressed, strong-willed black man who seems to be the good guy even when he’s playing the villain. Let me just put this out there and you can disagree in the comments. This is Denzel’s best theatrical performance besides Training Day.

Russell Crow is perfect as the in-over-his-head New York detective. He’s a good cop amidst a sea of bad cops, but he’s not necessarily a good man as the back story between he and his wife presents. He tries to be a good man, but he lets his job take over his life, which is why he’s able to succeed in cracking a huge case against all odds that runs deeper then anyone imagined.

Based on a true story, the plot is excellent and keeps you on the edge of your seat. Anyone that loves mob movies will surely love this fresh addition to the beloved genre. If some of the powerful chill-rendering scenes from The Godfather, Casino, and Goodfellas get your juices flowing, don’t take your eyes away from the screen at the part where Denzel is having breakfast with all of his brothers and excuses himself to take care of an overdue matter down the street. I couldn’t believe my eyes when it happened, and I couldn’t believe a director would have the audacity to create this absolutely amazing and terrifying scene.

I felt shocked, appalled, and drawn to the film all at the same time, and it was at that moment that I knew I was a fan of this movie.

Also, the last scene of the film where he emerges from prison after 17 years into a foreign 1990s Harlem as opposed to the familiar 1970s Harlem from whence he came really was a powerful scene and made me think.

The Bad

They could have achieved the same level of film-making without a lot of the harsh violence and nudity, and for that I dock this movie a few points. It’s not that it was overly violent (it was no Casino), but it still didn’t need some of the junk that was thrown into the mix. I really really wanted my wife to watch this movie with me because it is such a good story, but I’m afraid I’m not going to recommend it to her due to some of the scenes. And apparently there’s an uncut version that I haven’t even seen - what could they have possibly cut from this movie?

The Beratings

Acting - no beratings

Plot - no beratings

Inconsistencies - no beratings

Unbelievable Events - 1 berating
I know it’s based on a true story, but I need to see evidence that tens of thousands of kilos of heroine could be imported from Vietnam so easily. If I do see such evidence I will stand corrected.

Schematics - 1 berating
Too much nudity. Come on, who really wants to see 50 naked women manufacturing heroine in an apartment building? Don’t answer that.

2/10 Berating = See it at full price

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
>> 2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it