The Gimcrack Miscellany

Photos of Bill Belichick resembling infamous villains are completely flooding my inbox. It’s amazing just how many faces he really has. You know who else puts on a multitude of faces in order to “trick” his prey? The Devil, that’s who. Don’t try to argue with me, it’s science.

I had to hire a small crew to help me organize all these photos we’re uncovering. I just added 3 more photographers to my team of scouts who are out there snapping these amazingly rare photos of Belichick. This week he seems to be resembling the infamous Philip Seymour Hoffman. I don’t know exactly why, but here are some possibly relevant facts I’ve come up with:

Some people are not fans at all of Hoffman, but some people love him.
He was in Mission Impossible 3 as a villain.
He was in Along Came Polly attempting to play the part of Jesus in the play.
He was in Cold Mountain supporting fornication, thievery, rape, and murder.

You know who you could use these same characteristics to describe? The Devil. (Although it’s a different actor in MI3 that I’m referring to…)

So, based on these facts and similarities, maybe that’s why he chose to make his current host body, Bill Belichick, resemble Philip Seymour Hoffman.

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Keeping up with the theme of belated Beratings, I decided to officially B-Rate a film that I saw in theaters and just recently bought on DVD for my wife. Picture me sitting on the couch sipping Diet Coke curled up under a blanket with a lovely fire burning watching The Devil Wears Prada with my wife and two of her girl friends.

You can’t can you? That sound you just heard was a systemic anomaly being created in your brain because you thought about something impossible. Impossible or not, it happened. After it was over I changed my oil, ate 2 beer bratwursts, played Xbox for 7 hours, and killed a deer with my bare hands, all while listening to Megadeath and drinking copious amounts of whatever is the manliest beer you can think of.

Despite how unmanly this film was, I have to say that I really enjoyed it. I never knew the fashion industry could be interesting. And maybe it isn’t after all, but at least The Devil Wears Prada makes it seem so. I was thoroughly frightened throughout the film for the well being of our protagonist as she tries to survive in the most prestigious fashion magazine this side of Paris. We first see Andy (Anne Hathaway) as a well dressed beautiful young girl with (what I thought was) pretty good style. As the movie goes on, we soon find out what “good” style actually is, and that she doesn’t have it.

I was basically going back and forth between the edge of my seat wondering how this girl was going to keep her job and cowering deep in the cushions of the couch as I watched Miranda (Meryl Streep) completely and utterly destroy the world she thought she knew. Any film that can affect me like that - no matter if it’s about fashion, sports, or war - is a good film.

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The real story was Gonzalez, pictured above as only a torso. Believe me when I say, however, that he actually does have legs, and they easily carried him past second stringer Pittman, who was eventually pulled from the game due to his poor performance.

I have two things to say in response to this game.

1) Baltimore: stop giving us crap about the Colts moving to Indianapolis a million years ago. What do you want from me? Do you want me to say I’m sorry? Ok sure, I’ll get right on that - as soon as you apologize for slavery and wiping out the Indians, for which you’re equally responsible.

Teams move all the time, players move all the ime, coaches move all the time. Do you know why? Money. Do you think the NFL exists primarily for our enjoyment? If your answer is yes, then don’t ever come back to The Gimcrack Miscellany because I don’t want to get your germs. Frankly, after last night’s performance, it’s about time the Ravens move on as well. I know it sounds harsh, but God does not want Baltimore to have a football team.

2) New England: Did you seriously almost get beat by Baltimore last week? Any team that pretty much loses to a team that we completely vaporize the next week is not a team that I’m afraid of. I can’t wait to see you in the playoffs.

Here are a few nuggets of goodness from last night:

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What is it with me and blog series? I’ve horribly neglected my Berating system and I haven’t been feeding my TopFivers. I promise I’ll do better. Maybe soon I’ll come out with a Berating for Ratatooine.

In spite of my better judgments I’m opening up a new series entitled LOLheads. I have no idea what it will expand to, but it has already begun with some extremely rare photos of Bill Belichik’s head. There’s one more image of Belichick that I forgot to add, so here it is:

The Scut Farkus Belichick LOLhead

That’s right, in 2007, after the Patriots ran up the score against the Skins 52-7, Bill Belichick was seen snickering to himself and trying to hide it as he shook the hand of Joe Gibbs after the game. He looked like such a childish unsportsmanlike brat that I swear he resembled that bully from A Christmas Story named Scut Farkus. Man I wish little Ralphie Parker would run on the field and beat him up while crying and cursing.

Stay tuned for more extremely rare and candid photos of celebrities snapped just at the right time: when they resemble another celebrity with a funny looking head. (I hate to break character, but yes - I made all of these with mine own fair-handed creativity using Macromedia Fireworks).

The edge of the universe is 50 billion trillion miles away. While Googling this number to see what it’s technically referred to, and how many light years it equivocates, I stumbled upon the largest diamond in the world galaxy.

Space is so cool. I guess a diamond isn’t really “space”. I don’t know what to call that of which I speak. The universe is so cool? All is so cool? Yeah, that’s it. All is so cool.

Oh right the number. Let’s see, 50 billion is 50,000,000,000. A trillion is 1,000,000,000,000. I guess we have to multiply those two numbers by appending zeros. Just to be sure, my cute little Windows calculator says it’s 50,000,000,000,000,000,000,000. Now let’s Google that. Alright, it’s 50 sextillion.

Now how many light years is that? There are 5,878,499,812,499 miles in a light year. I knew that off the top of my head. So divide 50 sextillion by about 5 trillion. That’s 8,505,571,420, which is about 8 and a half billion. I knew that too. So it would take us 8.5 billion years to get to the edge of all things known if we were traveling the speed of light. I knew that as well. THANKS TO THIS SWEET VIDEO. Just wait till you get to the part where it shows outside our galaxy and you start zooming away from the Local Group. Wait, how do they know it looks like that?

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