The Gimcrack Miscellany

You can’t say “I don’t know” in Megion, a town in Russia that produces more oil than the rest of Russia combined. I’m serious, you can’t say it. Even if you really don’t know. You also can’t say any of the following phrases:

• “What can we do?”
• “It’s not my job”
• “It’s impossible”
• “I’m having lunch”
• “There is no money”
• “I was away/sick/on vacation”

I’ve deduced two reasons for imposing such a ban. Either this town is full of rich, anorexic, uber-humans who are immune to sickness, or Russia is preparing to take over the world. You clearly can’t get sick or ever leave the office for any reason. You are expected to be able to accomplish any task, since nothing is allowed to be impossible. And you surely aren’t allowed to take a lunch and eat food.

The first phrase in the list really disturbs me. I realize the phrase “What can we do?” can be said to get out of some sort of responsibility. For instance “Hey, you should change the world today” might merit the response, “That’s impossible, what can we do? We’re insignificant peons incapable of what you ask.” However, it can also be used as a way of accepting responsibility. For instance, “Hey, you should change the world today” might conversely merit the response, “That’s great! What can we do? I know, let’s start by changing ourselves.”

Too bad sucker, they banned that. Pwned.

So, I submit that it’s because of the latter of my two possible reasons that Russia has imposed this ban. They’re preparing to take over the world, similar to Stalinist Russia and Hitlerist Germany and Kim Jong-ilist North Korea, by breeding a bunch of mindless workers who can’t think for themselves and aren’t allowed to question authority.

I mean, come on - “There is no money”… seriously, you can’t say that? What if there really is no money, do you want me to pretend there is a stack of benjamins sitting on the table in front of me. Um, ok… I guess I’ll play your game if you really want me to Mr. Kuzmin, major of Megion, Russia. I just have one question for you, are you trying to take over the world? Oh, Why do I ask? No reason, it just sort of sounds like you are. You can tell me, it’s ok. Don’t be embarrased, we all want to do it, but you’re actually living the dream. Good for you, brother - or should I say comrad?

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