The Gimcrack Miscellany

Did you know that if humans disappeared today, in a few thousand years the Chunnel would be the only man-made structure left?

Did you know that if humans disappeared today, the Panama Canal would close and reconnect North and South America?

Did you know that if humans disappeared today, in 4.5 billion years the depleted Uranium in the U.S. would reach it’s half life?

You didn’t? Well then go to this page and learn more, you human sponge, you.

I guess that last one would happen either way.

We know that celebrities die in threes, even though some people don’t seem to think it’s that simple. But I have always found my reference burst theory to be very interesting. It’s based out of a very scientific idea that things seem to get referenced all of the sudden multiple times in a short period, from seemingly disconnected sources. It was made up by me so don’t steal it and take credit for it.

For instance, all of a sudden you’ll hear an obscure 20 year old song on the radio that you haven’t heard in a long time, and then you’ll be flipping through an old magazine the next day and come across the name of that artist. If it’s a true Reference Burst (notice how the term is now capitalized), you’ll then proceed to see an old sitcom on TV where one of the characters makes a reference to that very song, or something along those lines.

It happened to me with Mexican Radio by Wall of Voodoo a couple years ago when it was referenced on an episode of Seinfeld shortly after I had heard it on the radio and seen it in print (I can’t remember where). That’s just one example - it happens pretty often.

Could it have something to do with the butterfly effect? One event causes a chain reaction, so the first reference somehow prompts the other two, not by chance, but by some complex chain of cause and effect. Could it be that Reference Bursts™ exist everywhere all the time and we only notice them when our minds are open to them? Could it be that I am a telepathic robotic bionic mutant-ic machine? My name is Brian, which is close to Brain, so maybe.

What does this have to do with cats dying? I’ll tell you - you just have to come on a short journey with me first. I’ll have you back to your cubical in no time. Refill your coffee mug, you closet caffeine addict, and let’s go.

A Short Journey

Yesterday I witnessed video of a team of lion hunters flirting with death. About halfway through it contains 5 seconds of some of the most amazing and terrifying footage mine eyes have ever seen. The video is work appropriate, 2 minutes long, and, although not required, is best viewed with sound. I probably built it up way too much. Sorry, but here it is anyway.

I want to go off topic for a second and point something out. Despite what you may be thinking about how terrible it is that they’re hunting lions, that guy drinks Milwaukee’s Best for sure. He got right back up and shot that lion. I would be burrowing into the ground like a little Hobbit creature of some sort. And stop judging that guy too. Maybe that lion killed his African wife and their 17 mixed-children. Ok, back to the subject.

You’re thinking “Man, I’ve got a lot more blogs to read today at work instead of finishing my project that’s due on Friday, and I wish he’d get to the point so I can just move on to Perez-Hilton.” I’ve got the cure for what ales you, my friend. Here’s where it gets interesting. Friday, not two days prior to Sunday’s video-tastic-ness, I happened upon a nugget of YouTube video involving a tiger, a stick-wielding Indian man, and a mostly uninvolved elephant. This one has about 3 seconds of sheer heaven towards the end. It’s work appropriate and 35 seconds long (with no audio).

You’re thinking “If this honky ever wants me to visit his blog again, he better have one more video clip that’s even better than the first two and conclude his post with a profound summarizing statement.” Today’s your lucky day, chief. A few weeks ago I witnessed the most amazing video I have ever seen. I know it sounds fake, but the video is entitled the Battle at Kruger and it contains footage of an epic three-way fight over an innocent little calf between a pride of lions, a crocodile, and a herd of angry buffalo. It is 8:30 in length and is worth every second, so watch it when you actually have a solid 20 minutes of time (I gave you an extra 11 minutes to rewind and re-watch the best parts).

You’re thinking “He’s doing it! He’s actually doing it! I hope he doesn’t screw it up so close to the end.” Don’t worry fake condescending guy, I won’t. It all comes full-circle because today, would you believe it, I happened to come across this article about the popularity of the battle at kruger video. I wasn’t searching for it, and I wasn’t even thinking about the crazy cat videos I had recently seen. In fact, I found it in the related articles section of an article on Digg about the godfather of the Internet predicting the end of TV as we know it.

Conclusion

Is there truth to my © Reference Burst Theory™? Have you had any crazy coincidences recently that would fall into this category? If so, you owe me $12 for stealing my idea that has been © Copyrighted and Trademarked™ and now contains the word “theory” in the official term too, just FYI in case you missed that. I know you can do that, I’ve seen it done. No one just says Pythagorean, do they? Who would give you any credit if you said “I used Pythagorean to figure out the third side of that triangle”? People need to hear that “theory” in there.

Here, I’ll type it again just to clear it up, this is how you have to refer to it without having to owe me $15: © Reference Burst Theory ™ ®. Yes, it has to be underlined and bolded, and just one last thing, notice how it’s Registered® too. I’m just covering my own butt here, ok.

Once upon a time there was a site called Blogmusik or something like that. Well, long story short, they faced legal troubles due to their music distribution policies, but ultimately won in the end, changing their name to Deezer to mark the occasion. It’s a French site but the only time you’ll ever know the difference is in the occasional untranslated error message or the dual-language subject line in the welcome email. Come on, just give it a try, you won’t get any French germs on you.

Deezer is a web application similar to Finetune or Pandora in that it intuitively creates stations with music that matches your preferences and streams them to you. The difference is that Deezer allows you to search for songs and add them to your playlists (which Finetune and Pandora do) and then navigate your playlist and play any song you want just like you were listening to your purchased music using iTunes or Windows Media Player (which is where Finetune and Pandora fail to deliver).

Pandora. Clever ad skins. Neat. No thanks. Kbye.

Finetune. It is dark and ruthless and it scares me when i use it after 6pm.

Deezer. iTunes? No, I said Deezer. iTunes? Actually, ok yes, iTunes - I can see where you’re coming from.

Another Deezer-specific feature is the ability to upload any and all mp3 music tracks you want, which means potentially you could replicate your mp3 library using their resources. You gotta figure though, that’s really just good for sharing your own original music, because if you uploaded your entire 5000 song library at about 30 seconds per song it would require an entire work week or more.

Can you embed it into your blog just like your fancy Finetune player? Calm down, you cutie pie, sure.

Here’s a snippet from Deezer’s less-than-informative press release:

After SACEM1 closed down Blogmusik.net in February 2007, the site, which is now called Deezer.com, has announced that an agreement has been reached with the societies that protect copyright royalties.

Deezer.com is now the first global website for music on demand with no restrictions: listening to all kinds of music is now free, unlimited, legal and accessible to all Internet users via a Web browser.

I’m just starting to create my playlists and explore the rest of the site. I uploaded a track called Humoresque in b (performed by Poroshina) and added it to my playlist. Each uploaded track has to go through an identification process before it can be publicly searchable, but you can access it any time regardless of whether it’s accepted or rejected by their system.

Oh, and uploaded files have to be in mp3 format. To convert your current library, see this blog post which refers to this software. Not all of the songs are 96Kbps or higher, so you may come across some bad recordings.

All in all it’s pretty buggy and lacks some instructional verbiage, but it’s based on a pretty comprehensive song database. For instance, I searched for John Williams and found 840 songs. If I could find out how they create their song archive I would tell you. If I could find anything about Blogmusik or Deezer on Wikipedia I would be happy to share. If I even knew for sure that Deezer is not really just a Weezer tribute band from France I would relay that information to you gladly. Alas, I don’t.

Does anyone know any more about Deezer? Tell me in the comments.

I understand this is a little belated. I understand 10,000 people have blogged on this film. I understand everyone and their mom has seen it and loved it. You’re still not getting out of your Berating. I’m just putting it out there - you’re welcome to pick it up or send it right back my way.

The Good

Micheal Bay always takes you on a thrill ride, whether the setting is Alcatraz island, the future, or an asteroid hurling towards Earth. With Ben Affleck on it. I wish it would’ve hit. Needless to say, I was expecting the thrill ride Transformers takes you on, but I still wasn’t prepared for the magnitude or ferocity of said ride. I don’t think there was a single second of the film that didn’t contain either A) a billion explosions at once, B) an hilarious one-liner and a thousand explosions at once, or C) the hottest women currently alive with only around 50 - 70 explosions at once. At one point in the film I noticed I was making this weird continuous grunting noise kind of like you would make if you were about to be slung out of a giant sling shot but you didn’t know exactly when.

Notice we’re still in The Good category. I love eye candy and Transformers had tons of it. I keep trying to think of other things this movie had, but the only thing I really remember about it is explosions. Wait, I do remember this one time where it was sort of calm… nope that was Fight Club.

The Bad

I hope you didn’t just think The Good was The Bad because trust me The Bad will not be mistaken for The Good. You’ll just be reading two The Bads and the Berating that follows will not make sense because you’ll be like “what did he see in that movie to not B-Rate it worse than that?”

My first problem with Transformers is the acting. I don’t require monologues of great length and Shakespearean dialogue, but I do expect there be at least AN actor who is just that: an actor. I’m being too hard on Shia LaBeouf. He can act, but he can’t yet be the singular source of acting skills in all of a movie, like such stars as Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, and Tom Arnold can. If he would’ve come out with 4 movies this year instead of a mere 3, like he did, he might be ready for that. The rest of the cast is robots, army guys, and annoying hot AND smart women who can crack computer codes and rewire car engines.

Let’s not get into the plot. Ok let’s, because it will be really simple. There are good Transformers and bad Transformers, they fight each other, explosions happen, something about a Camaro, more explosions, pop culture is referred to, closing credits.

And now we come to the unbelievable events of Transformers. Just to be clear, and in case you don’t know about the Beratings instructional kit, I’m not talking about what the movie is intentionally selling me. For instance, I believe these guys are from outer-space, I believe their secrets have been held by our government for years, and I believe they can fly and transform in mid-air. I don’t believe, however, that good old Shia LaBeouf can be struck by the arm of a Decepticon and launched 100 feet onto the windshield of a car, and then get up and run away without a scratch on him. I don’t believe a 19 year old strikingly beautiful blond from Australia can walk into a government think tank with 100 of the smartest computer geniuses in the world and suddenly solve everything. And someone please tell me how a couple guys from Iraq who should be in hospital beds, some random high school kids, a hand full of government agents, and a video gamer who lives with his mom all end up together in a different part of the world engaging in hand-to-hand combat with transforming machines. I could maybe believe this if they all happened to be on the same bus (i.e. Speed), or be in the bank at the same time (i.e. Inside Man), or be renewing their licenses at the BMV on the same day (i.e. Hell).

The fact that this movie didn’t score a higher Berating is either a testament to how high I value the element of eye candy, the nostalgia I feel for the Transformers franchise from my childhood, or a result of over-hype and uber-advertising. Nevertheless, I hope to own Transformers one day and complete my Micheal Bay collection. Wait, I don’t own Pearl Harbor.

The Beratings

Acting - 1 berating
Plot - 1 berating
Inconsistencies - no beratings
Unbelievable Events - 2 beratings
Schematics - no beratings

Recommended Investment = See it at the dollar-fifty

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

I used to try all kinds of sizing techniques and non-xhtml compliant methods. I tried absolutely positioning a div tag by giving it a left:20% and right:20% attribute, but this didn’t work in all browsers (I’m looking your direction, IE). I tried wrapping the whole div tag in a ‘center’ element, but we won’t even go into how many standards that violates.

I finally figured it out, thanks to the genius of Arcsin’s CSS skills, when I was looking at the stylesheet for the very blog you are reading as we speak, or as you read, rather. The blog. As you are currently reading the blog this post is in, as we sit here and speak, during whilst you read it, or something concurrently, visa vie.

Ergo, here is the code. Don’t blink because you’ll miss it, that’s how simple it is.


.container {margin: 0 auto;}


Just put everything inside <div class=”container”></div> and you’re ready to rock and roll. Speaking of rock and roll, did you know Death Cab for Cutie rocks and rolls? I watched a RockDock about them and they go crazy up on stage. I mean they’re really rocking and rolling. You wouldn’t guess it solely by listening to their albums.

P.S. Make sure your container div tag is inside another div tag with attribute text-align:center or this technique won’t work in IE.